Monday, August 07, 2006

Day 10, Monday- Paint Problems

I did it. I broke down and called a helpdesk for paint.

Yes, paint.

I was a bit perturbed, as this is supposed to be the “good stuff.” Paint like this is supposed to just jump out of the can and on to the wall. I’ve seen the commercials.

The problem was simple enough- the paint wasn’t drying. That’s a big part of what paint does, drying and all. If it didn’t dry, it would be a slimy substance somewhere between liquid and solid. There would be no form, no purpose, and no function. It would be a politician.

So I called for help. My call was answered by a nice man who said his name was Bobert (yes Bobert). He went through the initial script and politely asked what my problem was.

“The paint will not dry on the door. It has been there for almost 30 hours, but it is still tacky.” I said.

We went through a few minutes of discussion on surface preparation and application. Bobert was very polite, but I was getting a little tired of talking about brushes. I must now note that at this time, I was rather tired, and when tired, I get snarky.

“Are you sure you were using the correct type of brush, sir?” he asked.

“Alright, you got me. Actually, I grabbed two monkeys, dipped them in the paint and let them engage in hot monkey love on the door.”

Silence. Then, “how did the monkeys stay on the door, sir?”

“When covered in paint, monkeys are quite sticky.”

More silence. Then, with a heavy sign that let me know exactly how stupid and/or insane Bobert thought I was, he continued. “I believe that I found our problem sir, the monkeys probably did not apply the paint evenly. Now, if there is anything else.”

Crap! He was going to hang up! Like so many other times in my life, I went just that centimeter too far.

“Um, Bobert, there were no monkeys.” I'm sure I sounded rather sheepish. “I was just trying to be funny.”

“Monkeys in paint are not funny, sir.”

“Well, to idiots such as myself, they’re freakin’ hilarious. I apologize. Now, back to the questions.”

We finished the call rather calmly, but Bobert was obviously a bit miffed over the whole monkey episode. Turns out the problem is probably due to high humidity.

Imagine that. A humidity problem in Astoria. I drop a space heater in the room for a night or two and all should be good.

I put paint on the walls in the living room. A nice dark brown. Looks really good, mostly.

You will note that I said mostly.

Remember the whole “feathering” thing? Yeah- turns out that was crap. Now I need to do even more prep in the living room. That’s the last time I take advice from “Rudy’s Plaster Masters.” Stupid internet.

Oh well. Tried doing a whole “two-tone” paint job in the living room. On the bottom is “desired brown with a designer name” above the picture rail is “lazy bastard didn’t want to go get more paint so he slapped stuff left over from the entry up there.”

I like it. It adds character, contrast, and depth to the room. Plus, I did not have to drive to Longview and visit the hated evil empire.

My wife, however, does not. She prefers bland, uniform walls and the death of every living creature on the planet due to global warming.

I learnt how to be fair and balanced on the teevee from the Fox folks.

I’ll let it sit for a day or so, and she what she says after that. I'm sure she’ll see my point of view what with me being lord and master of the house and OW! OW! OW! OW!

Yeah, I’ll paint over that tomorrow.

Total costs: $1,028


At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Wende said...

Beige is for sissys--keep the brown. :)

At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay - now you are due for sensitivity training and respectful work place training.

At 4:43 PM, Blogger Oregon Coast said...

Is that painted over yet, biotch?

At 12:56 AM, Blogger Tom said...

Uh, nope. No new paint tonight. I was out playing fireman.


At 1:43 PM, Blogger Miss Sassy said...

I can't decide if I like the monkey love paint job or that the guy's name was Bobert more.

Both get me in hysterical laughter, but that his name is repeatedly thrown at me sends me over the edge.

What color does the rail get to be? That would be my deciding factor. Unless I needed something else at the Evil Empire, then titsi flies be damned I'm makin' the drive.

At 9:57 PM, Blogger Tom said...

The rail will be a gloss white. Carrie has decided to try the two-tone in just this room. If she hates it, then we can repaint it.

At 11:07 PM, Blogger Oregon Coast said...

I have decided, after reading your blog about my driving, that I hate the two-tone. It simply HAS to be repainted!


At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lost the URL for a while, but I linked to you. Partly because you needed tech support for paint, but mostly because you admitted it. Publicly. On the internet.


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