Monday, September 04, 2006

Past Due, Day 4, Sunday- Whatever...

Bummer about the Crocodile Hunter. That guy made me feel sane. I (knowingly) do some stupid stuff, but I leave venomous creatures alone. I enjoyed learning about animals by watching Steve Irwin piss them off. The guy was a hoot, and I really enjoyed watching his stuff. Holding a baby whilst feeding a croc? Yeah, I'd do that kind of stupid shit.

On the topic of mortality, I’m currently taking bids from cardiologists for my upcoming quadruple bypass. While I have lost about ten pounds while working on this house, it hasn’t been due to my diet.

I’ve been living off of plain peanut butter sandwiches, apples, cottage cheese, and bacon. Lots of bacon. Literally pounds of the stuff.

I love bacon. My wife knows this, and as I have been a good boy and working on her house, she has purchased lots of it for me.

For breakfast yesterday, I had hash browns, fried eggs, and half a damn pound of bacon. The day before? Bacon sandwich. Breakfast today? An omelet with cheddar, feta, and jack cheese, peppers, onions, and half a pound of bacon.

I don’t need a cholesterol test, I need an oil change.

Back to it. I get emails about this thing. Not just the “Get any love pi11 you need!” type. For whatever reason, some people do not like to use the comments.

Now, as I’m a bit busy with this whole restoration thing, I don’t leave comments like I should. I visit other people’s blogs, and sites that refer folks here, I just don’t comment. My email is no better, but I do eventually get to it.

So now- Reader Email! These are actual items that pretty much went straight into my junk mail folder. I've saved some and I’m answering them today to make up for a light post.

UR GOIN TO HELL 4 BLASPHEMY. U NEED TO REPENT AND FIND JESUS B4 IT IS TOO LATE. PRETENDING 2 B GAY IS NOT FUNNY AND GOD WILL GET YOU.

Yeah, I take salvation advice from some asshole with an AOL address. How’s live in the trailer park Marylou? I’m Catholic, you dipshit, I know where Jesus is- he’s hanging on the wall behind the priest on the big cross. Besides, I’ll get purgatory- I need to screw up way worse than “pretending to be gay” to get hell. Purgatory- it’s like a chat room on AOL for your soul, but with way nicer people. Why do southerners think God is the boogeyman?

Oh yeah, I’m sorry your Daddy beat you with a bible. Next message!

RU 4 REAL?

No, I’m imaginary. Yes, I’m real. My wife is real, my kids are real, the house is real, even Chemo Clem is real. Next message!

You mentioned dry rot in a post- how did you fix it? I’ve got rot in my laundry room I need to fix.

Wow. The drug problem is truly out of control. Asking me for advice? Get help, buddy.

I'll help nonetheless. The first thing to do is to determine how much rot there is, what caused it, and where it goes. The short answer is to fix the leak, kill the rot, and replace the damaged area.

First, (I’ll assume you fixed the leak) kill the mold. Yes, there will be mold. Take a sprayer filled with 50% bleach and 50% water. Spray it over the entire affected area. Wait for it to completely dry.

Next, get some anti-freeze. You want the dollar-store cheap-o highly-toxic-to-pets glycol antifreeze. Spread it all over the area that is rotten (use a brush, not a sprayer,) and about 5” (or as much as possible) on all sides. Do not forget the bottom. The antifreeze should soak in really fast. Wait until it has, and wipe away any excess.

Remove ALL of the rotted material. Add more antifreeze to the cut/chiseled areas. Then replace the missing materials. Sometimes, you have to dig out a little spot (fill with BONDO), sometimes take out a board, and sometimes you have to reframe a wall. Cut / chisel / tear the wet and rot away. Replace with like materials per local building codes.

Guess what- this works. I learned it from a fisherman down at the hardware store. They use this to fix dry rot on their boats. Next message!

IS THE STUFF U POST 4 REAL? Y DO U POST STUFF THAT MAKES YOU LOOK DUM?

Is your Cap-Lock button broken? Why do you abbreviate “you”? I look dumb? At least I can spell “dumb.” Dipshit.

Anyway, yeah, it is (sadly) real. The space-time continuum takes a few hits (days are shifted, or multiple days get compressed) primarily for entertainment value. For example, the whole urinal thing took place over two days (and is still going on.) The basic facts are indeed true, and the conversations are pretty much verbatim. I’m just leaving out the dead time between major events.

I do this blog because my wife told me to. As far as the looking dumb, oh well. I’ve never been concerned with the opinions of others. I’ve been doing this type of work for a long time and this kind of stuff happens (well, not everything) to just about everyone. My thought is that if I write about falling off the stupid roof twice in one day, some newbie won’t feel back about slipping themselves.

So, here is the deal, people. Use the comments and I promise to try and answer everything. I'm not going back into the Junk Mail folder anymore.

Total costs: $2,465

1 Comments:

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Oregon Coast said...

Boy, do those Armageddonists have a big surprise coming when they get to the gates and St. Peter biotch slaps them for making God seem like a piker.

 

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