Monday, September 11, 2006

Past Due, Day 11, Sunday- An Odd Vibe

I went out this morning before the Sunday Market got started to get a cup of good coffee at the Rusty Cup.

I thought tourist season was just about over. I was wrong, as they were everywhere. So, while you are all welcome here (please bring cash and come visit), I have a couple of suggestions to you nice people that bring us money that will make us not hate you.
  • If someone is in the crosswalk, keep your car out of it.
  • If there is a stop sign, stop. If not, go. It is really pretty simple, and only requires that you pay attention.
  • There is nowhere in Clatsop County that is so cool that you need to drive like such a dick.
  • Hang up the stupid cell phone and control your brats.
  • Hang up the stupid cell phone and drive.
  • Hang up the stupid cell phone and try not to take up the entire sidewalk, you oblivious, self-absorbed boob.
  • You know what? Turn the damn cell phone off and lock it in your glove box. You can have it back when you get home, or if there is an emergency.
  • I really do not like your little rat dog. I really do not like your little rat dog barking at me from your car, startling me when I am just trying to get some coffee.
  • I will stand next to your car and watch the inbred little rat dog beats itself nearly unconscious on the window in an effort to get to me. I will then laugh in an evil manner.
  • Going the wrong way down a one-way street just makes me think you are an idiot. If you wave and smile, I will revise that to asshole idiot. You screwed up. Stop your car, get out, and let someone that can read drive.
  • The yellow line tells us where the lanes are. We each get one- so stay in yours. If you think the houses are pretty, great. Get you fat ass out of the SUV and walk around. You'll get exercise, you’ll see more, and I get to go to the store without risk of a head-on collision.
  • If you weight 300+ pounds, the Custard King is probably not your best bet. If your bathroom scale is to small to register your weight, use the chair for a guide. If you need to smear butter on your fat ass to wedge that mountain of flesh into the poor seat, go somewhere else. There was a family of fat bastards out front, posing like Tony Soprano’s crew in front of the meat market. Except that it looked more like “before” picture for Jenny Craig than a bunch of made guys.
  • Going to the Bowpicker? Great. It is either a half order or a whole order. Don’t ask for a burger, the damn place is in a converted boat. That is kind of a clue- they sell fish and chips. I am sick of having my taste of heaven delayed because I have to stand behind some illiterate ass while he sounds out the menu.
  • Never ask for ranch dressing with your fish. You want to eat garbage? Go to McDonalds.
  • I have no problem giving you directions. However, if you call me “Buddy,” “Pal,” or are rude, I’m going to send you on a little trip that will get you to your destination by way of both the new and old Young’s Bay Bridges and possibly Jewel.
  • There are a ton of restaurants here in Astoria. Guess what? They pretty much all serve fish, and they’re all pretty good. Just pick one, chances are you’ll do fine. This is a small town, if the food sucks, they usually don’t make it through the winter.
Usually the people don’t bother me, but today they obviously did. I was a little out of sorts. The universe seemed off-kilter.

I dodged the tourists, got my coffee, and went home to watch football. The Rams beat Denver because of, instead of in spite of, their defense. No touchdowns for the Rams. Not only that, but some guy in a Rams uniform was actually running the ball. A lot.

It was really weird not seeing Tory Holt dancing around the end zone. It was also sad to not see number 28.

Then the day got really strange- the kids let me watch the game in relative peace and quiet.

We all went to the house and worked. The kids behaved. The wife painted what she was asked to paint. She didn’t even make any paint goobers. Awesome, but shocking.

I painted two rooms in one afternoon. No emergencies, no trips to the hardware store. The boy’s room and the dining room are both new colors. Cool, but what the hell?

There was no blood spilled while working today. Not even a scratch. Even the wife avoided causing me bodily harm.

I used the bathroom in the house. It did not rock or leak. It sounds minor, but this is huge.

I hung a door, and the hinges lined up.

All told, I could get used to this.

Total costs: $2,500


At 12:02 PM, Blogger Oregon Coast said...

Hope you enjoyed it, as did I. But these days are more rare than Bill O'Reilly feeling compassion so...

At 6:22 AM, Blogger oldfart said...

Hey Tom this sounds just like an x California driver or should I say drivers that once lived in our state , who moved to the city where they could walk to things and stay out of a moving vehicle. I wonder who they were?

At 1:24 PM, Blogger Miss Sassy said...

Its like a taste of home made bread to hear you rant. Old, familiar. Makes me smile somehow =)

I'd have called Bobert to ask how suddenly the monkeys figured out how to use his product, but I hear ya on the "let it be" vibe.


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