Thursday, August 10, 2006

Day 13, Thursday- Lucky 13.

Being lucky day 13, I was able to get quite a lot accomplished. I finished painting most of the living room, and began prepping the Princesses’ Palace of Pink.

I managed to fix the broken trim in their room, get the built-in desk out, and start patching. Then I went to hang the new closet door. It is only 4 inches too short.

Only four inches. If I had a nickel for every time that was my problem I’d live on my own private island were I could sob myself to sleep in peace.

Anyways. Four inches. Well, damn. Can’t fake that with trim. I’ll think about it for a bit, then see what happens next.

My beautiful bride came by after an exciting afternoon of sitting around the Children’s Museum being nice to the very people that jacked the housing prices up so they could have a place to stay for three months a year, and smiling at the folks that let their kids dump toys and craft supplies on the floor so my wife would have something to do later.

Anyways, we went out for more supplies, visited City Lumber to pick up hardware and a couple of tools. Then we went over the bridge to Costco and bought lights and fans.

That is when the conversation took place.

“Why are you so tense when I drive?” She asked. I looked over. She was staring at me while maneuvering around logging trucks on Marine Drive at 45 mph.

I was about to die in a horrible car crash, and I knew it, so I decided that I might as answer her. “I haven’t learned to be comfortable with shedding my mortal coil, but I’m working on it.”

“I am a better driver than you! It is so not my fault that nobody else realizes that,” came her retort, in a slightly elevated voice.

I glanced over and saw that she was driving with her knees while digging through the driver side door pocket looking for something. One hand clutched a group of pens. We approached a red light at full speed, and mere seconds before impact, she applied the brakes (thank God for ABS) and came to a stop 4 inches behind the tour bus in front of us. I tried to relax my legs and calmly replied, “perhaps it is your breaking technique. You tend to brake late. I think you got that from learning to drive in Orange County.”

She went off for a bit after that, but my doctor’s note says I have trouble hearing when girls talk. I’m going to get that note laminated and keep it in my pocket at all times.

I started listening again and heard her say, “I drive defensively. I’m always avoiding accidents!”

“True, but I’ve looked up and seen the multi-car pileups you caused in the rearview mirror.”

“I’ve never been in an accident!”

“You have also never been trapped in a car for two hours because of someone else’s driving. I hope you never do get in a crash, but odds are, someday you will.”

“You know, it will probably be a tourist; or maybe an old person. No, wait; it will be an old tourist in a Buick. Just you watch.” She seems pacified.

I won’t be watching. I’ve decided to simply keep my eyes closed when she drives. I’ll pretend I’m tired and taking a little “cat nap”.

Total costs: $1,348


At 11:04 PM, Blogger Oregon Coast said...

You are a moron.

You totalled our sweet little green Toyota because you saw LESBIANS KISSING on the side of Hwy. 32. YOU can't even spell "braking." Your Altima has the hind end of someone whose been ass-raped by the whole cell block in Folsom. NOT MINE. And if mine did, it would only be because YOU drove it.

YOU put aeresol cans in the oven and you expect ANYONE to believe that you're not a complete putz?

You are SO not getting laid for SO long!

At 11:34 PM, Blogger Miss Sassy said...

Is THAT what happened to the Toyo???

I gotta tell ya, I'm sincerely enjoying the bejinkus out of all this learning what a spaz you are... its completely revolutionizing my thoughts of you, but you couldn't be as cool as I thought you were forever.

Might as well get the details about it.

Oh, and don't think we didn't notice how you called her your beautiful bride to start the post - we still feel the sting of insult after being buttered up.
You'll see that in your hindsight tomorrow.

At 12:28 AM, Blogger Tom said...

OK, in my defense:

1. No, I'm not.

2. Sweet Toyota? You mean the one with the uncomfortable bench seat that forced me to drive short-legged for like 6 years? Looking at history through rose-colored glasses, aren't we?

3. Breaking, as in: "breaking my spirit."

4. Rear-end. And the van does have dents.

5. I didn't have a microwave!! Where else would I put the cans?

6. At least I don't drive over curbs.

7. This delusion is what makes you so dangerous. Come to terms and then you can improve.

8. No nookie? Been there, done that, got the commemerative pair of socks.

At 10:35 PM, Blogger oldfart said...

now, now children, I have been in the car with both of you driving and I have had to put my hands over my eyes, and burned the soles off my shoes after ramming my feet through the floor boards trying to help stop.

At 10:35 PM, Blogger oldfart said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


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