Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Imaginary Holidays

I’ll admit it- I am one of those people who are horrible at “Manufactured Greeting Card Holidays.” I always forget about them until either:
  1. Someone at work gets flowers
  2. My wife gives me a gift (or starts sulking.)

I actually forgot Mother’s Day one year. You would have thought I had shot a dozen puppies with bullets made from live kittens.

I mean, damn.

The best part? I had like no idea why the hell she was pissed. So, I did the man-pig thing and went looking for a calendar that showed the phase of the moon (Mongo say full-moon bad).

I found a calendar and found the worst possible bit of information- I had forgotten the “I had babies and it hurt a lot so buy me flowers and cards and candy and make me dinner you bastard” holiday on A FULL MOON. Not only was my wife upset, but her Aunt Flo was looking for a pound of flesh and a cup of

You know what? I’m going to stop right there. Grammar check be damned. I’m just not going to do it.

Anyway, I survived, made amends, and vowed to never forget another holiday such as that.

Which brings me to Valentines Day. I won’t go into detail into what men think about this day (dread and hope all wrapped up with flowers). Hell, there is even a movement for the “man” version of the day (WARNING: LINK IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK, OR THE EASILY OFFENDED!)

What I can say is this:

Read the damn card guys. Really. Not just the price part, either ($7 for a card? Shit!), but the whole thing. Inside and out.

See, cards have gotten kind of specialized. They have Valentine’s cards for EVERYONE now. Hell, you can get one for a cat.

This year, I nearly purchased cards targeted to:

  • A gay male couple (tastefully decorated and remarkably subtle- I almost missed it)
  • A gay female couple (hot girls kissing are cool- OK, I wasn’t going to buy it for her)
  • A pet (who buys a card for their cat?)
  • Someone that beats or abuses their significant other (This was kind of sad- it literally said “I’m sorry I sometimes lose my temper, but I never mean to hurt you”)

All I wanted was a card that said “Yeah Boobies! Can we have sex now? Oh yeah, I love you! “ Is that so much to ask?

Apparently, yes. Yes it is.

I can see where that is a little coarse, so I’ll help greeting card companies out a little. Make a card that says:

“I love you!” On the front, with like hearts and puppies and other frilly stuff. Get the guy that did the gay couple card to design it- that will keep it looking nice.

Then, on the inside, under a place to hold some jewelry (you know, a ring, or something), put: ”Hey, nice rack! Please get naked! Oh yeah, I love you, like, lots! Here’s something that sparkles! Did you loose weight? You look great! Let’s make hot monkey love!”

See, that’s love right there. Or at least the basic man-pig expression of it.

But I digress. (Or distress, depends on who’s reading this.)

I bring this up because, after knowing what I know, I still got my lovely bride a card that was for a young boy.

Damn. There was something kind of creepy about that. I need to read the damn cards a little closer.


Dear Wife,

Happy Valentine’s Day! I love you! Please get naked!

- Me!


At 10:44 PM, Blogger Oregon Coast said...


I don't know what else to say, the romance has left me speechless.

At 6:14 AM, Anonymous auntie L said...

Yeah - you are really back to your old blogger 'man-pig-self' that we all know and (?) love.

Thanks for the laughs. The sad thing (for people who have never met you, I have to say this) you are really like this in real life.

Your bride is such a lucky girl (or young boy according to your card) - I hope it did the trick for you. Ha ha.

At 12:14 AM, Anonymous Wende said...

Um, Hallmark advertises that they make a card for every occasion. I double dog dare you to walk into a Hallmark store (next time in Portland) and ask them for your "Boobies, can we have sex?" card. Evidently, if they don't have what you are looking for, you get free stuff. :D

Oh, and take a video camera with you--You Tube will thank you later! heh


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