Thursday, December 07, 2006

Nobel Prize

I have survived the dreaded sinus infection, and went through the day with little more than a mild headache.

That allowed me to concentrate on my other goal in life- promoting world peace. Yep, under this rough exterior beats the heart of a true humanitarian. I care about a good 25% (give or take 24%) of mankind. I’m like that. I’m compassion, acceptance, and understanding personified.

Here, on this tiny little blog, I am about to reveal my gift to humanity, further the cause of world peace, and bring harmony to the people of Earth.

No, seriously.

I have invented, because I'm an idea kind of guy- THE ULTIMATE BURGER.

Yes, I know, that is quite the claim, but I assure you, this is no joke. Enemies will soon join hands around the barbeque and sing songs of peace and love whilst these burgers cook. Unless their not into pork, in which case they will swear off religions preventing pork consumption and other such nonsense and have themselves a beer and a burger.

First, I must provide a little back story, so you can all truly appreciate the significance of this achievement. (I hear this helps with the folks at the Nobel Foundation)

My wife is a vegetarian. Sad, isn’t it? I’ve tried explaining that cows and plants have roughly the same cognitive skills as plants, but no….. My silly little Earth muffin thinks that cows are kind, gentle, and noble creatures. She is unaware that their tastiness is surpassed only by their greenhouse gassiness.

Yes, cows damage the ozone by way of excess methane production. So, eat a burger, save the planet.

Anyway, back to it. She does, however, purchase the groceries, and she does buy packaged animal carcasses (meat) for me. She usually reminds me that my steak, sausage, and chops are dead- as if that will affect my appetite. Look. I’m pretty sure it would be awful damn hard to deep-fry a live chicken.

So, on the last outing, she buys flank steak. As I lack the patience to marinade, tenderize or otherwise prepare this cut of beef, it typically has the consistency of old boots after I cook it. This is obviously her fault.

At any rate, I had a big chunk of flank steak in the fridge, but I wanted a burger. Flank steak is lean, and hamburger needs fat.

That is when everything came together.
I realized that I had a meat grinder. I realized that I had bacon.

I realized that I could make a bacon cheeseburger where the bacon was part of the burger. Where bacony goodness wasn’t limited to three meager strips on top, but a true part of the burger. A bacon, cheese, and beef ménage-a-trios of culinary ecstasy.

I gathered my ingredients:
  • 1 pound of nasty, lean flank steak
  • 1/4 pound of bacon
  • Salt, Pepper, Garlic (to taste- just toss it in there, you’ll be fine)
  • A small can of diced jalapeños peppers (you can use Ortega chilies if you are a pasty, pansy-assed gringo)
  • Some fresh onion (as you like it)
I fed the ingredients into the grinder (chuck of bacon, chuck of beef, peppers, beef, bacon, onion, etc) added the spices, and mixed the concoction thoroughly while singing “Hallelujah, Hallelujah” with my eldest. A single sun beam shined down upon us.

I formed the meat into patties and cooked them up. Thus, burger nirvana was reached.

“You know, those are bad for your heart with all that fat and cholesterol.” Said my wife.

“Something that makes your heart sing can not be bad for it.” I answered.

Try it, you’ll see. I’ll be waiting for my Nobel prize.

16 Comments:

At 12:22 AM, Blogger Oregon Coast said...

Whenever I think of your habits, I think of that movie where that guy yells, "You guys wanna live forever?"

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Is it any wonder why women generally out-live men? But I'm with you, that burger sounds great and well worth trimming off some years later in life.

 
At 2:29 PM, Anonymous Melinda said...

Mmmm Tom burgers.....My husband would absolutly adore that. Now I need a meat grinder.....

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger Miss Sassy said...

BBQ or will a sear in the pan do??
What kind of cheese? I'm thinking a medium cheddar, one big slice off the block, not that shredded bag of weird non-sticky stuff.
Are you a bread, meat, cheese, meat, cheese, bread hamburger guy or do the veggies intrude?

Excellent use of lack of pre-planning, worldwide duplication and happy singing hearts to commence shortly, I'm sure.

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger Tom said...

Wife:
That movie would be Starship Troopers- one of the finest films ever made. Co-ed showers- pure genius! Also, the quote is: “Come on you apes- you want to live forever?”

Guy:
Men die first because we want to. It makes the nagging stop.

Mel:
I did a test. Women love them too.

Sassy:
Cooking either way is good, just cook them well- raw pork is bad.

I’ve been making them on potato dinner rolls:
Bread
Mayo
Dill Pickles
Meat
Swiss Cheese
Lettuce
Tomato
Catsup
Mustard
A little more mayo (I like mayo)
Bread

Sometimes when I mix the meat up, I add a 1/4 cup of finely ground Romano cheese,

 
At 5:54 AM, Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

I thought that was why we go deaf first, but you may be right.

 
At 6:13 AM, Anonymous Auntie L said...

I have seen the light, had an epiphany, can now visualise world peace and have been singing kum-by-yah since trying a "tom-burger". They really are to die for. Must be the lard.

Thanks again for 'showing me the way'. Of course your better looking half's marinara sauce wasn't bad either.......... maybe you both out to start a cooking show. :) Or cooking blog?

 
At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Wende said...

World peace through the Burger... there's an ad campaign in there somewhere. :)

You should send the recipe to Wet Dog and see if they will name a burger after you. I would use your last name, tho! Just sayin'

Hey! And I'm glad our mutual 3' rules kept me from your nasty bug! I so like you for that!!!

 
At 12:39 PM, Anonymous Auntie L said...

As I sat in Mass this morning, supposedly reflecting on the Immaculate Conception, all I could think of was that darn burger......

 
At 3:10 PM, Blogger Miss Sassy said...

OK - I was up late enough to catch a replay of Oprah who had the ACTUAL winner of the Nobel Peace Prize as her guest... he started a bank by offering some African woman $27 to get out of debt and its spiralled out of control so now he's loaned out $6billion with no colateral - "just being human is enough of a reason".

I say, do the same with the burger - he got 68% of his clients out of poverty with an average $130 loan, you could strive to help 68% of your 'victims' out of hunger for the week with ONE SERVING - he also got $1.4 million with the honor of the Prize ;)

OK, my word verification is "thnxzkud" - are you thanking your zkud today?

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger Beth said...

Love the burger recipe but I hate cooking. I'm going to pass it on to my spouse.

Re: sinus infections. Suffered from them for years until the doctor prescibed Flonase (yeah, you have to see a doctor for this). First sign of a stuffy sinus, spray the stuff up the nose. Nips it in the bud. You ignore these infections at your own peril. Brother-in-law just had to have sinus surgery. Wow. Big time pain.

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Melinda said...

BTW, if you marinate flank steak in Seven Seas red wine vinegar and oil salad dressing overnight, then grill to med-rare and slice thinly against the grain, flank steak can be nirvana too. I realize this involoves some prep, but oh-so-worth-it!

 
At 8:58 AM, Anonymous Wende said...

FYI, Burger Boy: Blogger Meet-up! Be there or be, I don't know...

Anyhow, 28th December, 3pm at the Astoria Coffee House. :D

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger anne said...

Hi. The burger sounds great - I'll have to make some for the family.

I found my way here by googling "glazing windows" in hopes that someone, somewhere out there, has had more success with it than me. You, I guess, aren't the one but the burger recipe was definitely worth it.

Great blog and good luck with those home renovations!

 
At 9:40 PM, Anonymous wende said...

Well done on the party, m'dear. I think your lovely wife was very touched! :D

 
At 8:12 AM, Anonymous Auntie L said...

Tank, I think you should be the first to win a double Nobel Prize (I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize) for not only inventing the perfect epiphany burger, but also for hosting, arranging, etc the perfect suprise party. Carrie looked as if she was in shock. Hats off to Maddie and all that kept the secret, because you really did get her and do something that will most undoubtedly become one of the highlights of her life to recount with you when you are old and in the rocking chairs together (if the epiphany burgers don't kill you at an early age first).

I didn't get a chance to meet Wende last night, but I did spot her at the next table over (not wearing the red lipstick - still to dangerous for public places probably). I did have the good fortune to meet the boy wonder on my way out the door. I told him he was famous. Big girl is quite smitten with him I think.

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home