Thursday, December 07, 2006

Nobel Prize

I have survived the dreaded sinus infection, and went through the day with little more than a mild headache.

That allowed me to concentrate on my other goal in life- promoting world peace. Yep, under this rough exterior beats the heart of a true humanitarian. I care about a good 25% (give or take 24%) of mankind. I’m like that. I’m compassion, acceptance, and understanding personified.

Here, on this tiny little blog, I am about to reveal my gift to humanity, further the cause of world peace, and bring harmony to the people of Earth.

No, seriously.

I have invented, because I'm an idea kind of guy- THE ULTIMATE BURGER.

Yes, I know, that is quite the claim, but I assure you, this is no joke. Enemies will soon join hands around the barbeque and sing songs of peace and love whilst these burgers cook. Unless their not into pork, in which case they will swear off religions preventing pork consumption and other such nonsense and have themselves a beer and a burger.

First, I must provide a little back story, so you can all truly appreciate the significance of this achievement. (I hear this helps with the folks at the Nobel Foundation)

My wife is a vegetarian. Sad, isn’t it? I’ve tried explaining that cows and plants have roughly the same cognitive skills as plants, but no….. My silly little Earth muffin thinks that cows are kind, gentle, and noble creatures. She is unaware that their tastiness is surpassed only by their greenhouse gassiness.

Yes, cows damage the ozone by way of excess methane production. So, eat a burger, save the planet.

Anyway, back to it. She does, however, purchase the groceries, and she does buy packaged animal carcasses (meat) for me. She usually reminds me that my steak, sausage, and chops are dead- as if that will affect my appetite. Look. I’m pretty sure it would be awful damn hard to deep-fry a live chicken.

So, on the last outing, she buys flank steak. As I lack the patience to marinade, tenderize or otherwise prepare this cut of beef, it typically has the consistency of old boots after I cook it. This is obviously her fault.

At any rate, I had a big chunk of flank steak in the fridge, but I wanted a burger. Flank steak is lean, and hamburger needs fat.

That is when everything came together.
I realized that I had a meat grinder. I realized that I had bacon.

I realized that I could make a bacon cheeseburger where the bacon was part of the burger. Where bacony goodness wasn’t limited to three meager strips on top, but a true part of the burger. A bacon, cheese, and beef ménage-a-trios of culinary ecstasy.

I gathered my ingredients:
  • 1 pound of nasty, lean flank steak
  • 1/4 pound of bacon
  • Salt, Pepper, Garlic (to taste- just toss it in there, you’ll be fine)
  • A small can of diced jalapeños peppers (you can use Ortega chilies if you are a pasty, pansy-assed gringo)
  • Some fresh onion (as you like it)
I fed the ingredients into the grinder (chuck of bacon, chuck of beef, peppers, beef, bacon, onion, etc) added the spices, and mixed the concoction thoroughly while singing “Hallelujah, Hallelujah” with my eldest. A single sun beam shined down upon us.

I formed the meat into patties and cooked them up. Thus, burger nirvana was reached.

“You know, those are bad for your heart with all that fat and cholesterol.” Said my wife.

“Something that makes your heart sing can not be bad for it.” I answered.

Try it, you’ll see. I’ll be waiting for my Nobel prize.